yesterday after school i had to go down to sinchon to the korea exchange bank to get some hong kong dollars for my trip. it was an adventure to say the least. helen and i had to wait for just over an hour to get helped and while we waited i was befriended by this korean girl. she did not speak much english at all, but was trying to be my friend. she did manage to make out "you, me, friends." it was nice but it did make me a bit uncomfortable as she came and sat right next to me and kept just looking at me. she gave me a U. S. dime too. later she gave me a 50 korean won coin and a pair of earrings. i could not figure her out and she was persistent in just sitting next to me. i prayed the whole time for God to make me feel more comfortable. i did not know what to do or say since my korean is sparse and her english was just the same. she checked out all my rings and looked them all over. she was not worried at all about just being there next to me.
after she left i did begin to wonder. what about the situation made me so uncomfortable? was it that i could not speak with her? was i afraid of her? did i think subconciously she might be different than me? she was trying to be friendly and although we did not have means to communicate verbally, we could communicate. if i am completely honest, i sat there wondering what she was going to do or say next. not sure and feeling weird about the whole thing. at times, i did wish she would just go away because of my uncomfort, but i know that is not what God wants me to do. i feel silly being so honest but i also feel that i am not alone in this type of situation. they have happened often to me. and i am at point of wanting to know and having a sense of Godly direction with people that are in need.
anytime i was approached in houston to help someone i felt uncomfortable. i remember the night that paul and i were doing the laundry and this guy came in. from first looks he had a tough life. tall dude with worn clothes, hair needed some maintenace, and he carried a big black garbage bag with his clothes inside. yes, in looking at him he needed some cleaning up but he was still a human in need. he talked to paul and they introduced themselves to each other. charley, our new friend, just needed some quarters and detergent to wash his clothes. charley just needed the basics to get himself clean and sorted out. why did i freak out inside and wonder if i could do it? paul manages this situations with Godliness. i am in awe of how he handles people and takes the time to speak to them and help.
my question then is why do i have such a hard time helping others? we are all humans. God calls us to love one another as a brother. so what would i do? what is my uncomfort about? why do i tend to shy away and not get involved? i know that my passion is helping people, but sometimes i feel as if i can not do it. i feel scared........scared of what?
help me through this time of not knowing. i feel alone. give me the words and tools i need to connect with people. i struggle, i pray, i desire, i read, i want to be used by You, God. i want my life to be a reflection of you in it. i just feel when it comes to being with people i am not sure. i need to connect with people. God help me connect.