can't

this word is only four letters, but seems to be much more powerful than it is given credit. i think that this word can hinder thoughts and actions. the night of the green scene coffeehouse i was reminded about this word and how i continually use this word.

i can't do this.....i can't do that.....

i think that this word has convinced me that i am not able when in reality that is not the case. the night at the green scene was night of realization for me. i realized how much i focus on the "can't" in my life. i think of myself as a positive person and really have been that way much of my life. often though as i reflect on when i am positive it is when other people are dealing with their lives. i struggle with finding the positive in my "stuff" that i struggle and deal with. that night i had a real eye opening moment in that i am always in awe of the musical talent that i am surrounded by.....paul, cameron, matt and the many others. i have often thought of them as having an edge up on me when it comes to worshipping and being with God. for me music is a major way i connect with God and am able to work through tough times. i would watch each of them as they sang or just "piddled" around and just be envious. i want to be more creative.....share my gifts and story. then it would creep up....."i can'tplay any instrument". that singe phrase would set me back and put me in my place.

this summer before moving to korea i had a goal to learn how to play the cello. i was inspired by the musician zoe keating who opened for imogen heap. "wow.....i would love to play like her!" i would think. i chose the cello partly because of her but also because none of the three previous people played it. it was something different. i would be musical but in my own way.

then moving to korea i realized that it may not be for me. the night at the green scene .......... i began to think about my poem and thinking back to the night at the well 2 years ago when i shared part of my journal. i thought about how i use the four letter word to work against me. then it hit me...........i CAN write, i CAN be creative with words, i CAN draw, i CAN use my photos and images to tell a story. i had been enouraged through emails that some folks loved reading my blog and had commented on the way i wrote so candidly and openly. there it was........God was showing that amidst my "can't" party i was being shown the i "can" path. it was a great night and since then i have been more inspired. i admire paul, cameron, matt and others, but now i know that it is not where God gave me gifts. He gave me the gift of words, being real, and being more visual. i love it and now i am trying to embrace it and feed that part of my life. it is amazing how God does his work amongst the day to day grind and when one least expects it.